John Schinnerer, Ph.D.
GuideToSelf.com, LoveIsntEnough.net, TheEvolvedCaveman.com
Hey, you! Yes, you with the unresolved childhood traumas that screw up your relationships without your awareness (oh wait, that’s all of us!). Let’s talk about what’s really shaping our noisy, volatile emotional lives. Spoiler alert: your happiness is not up to some mystical guru. We’ve got to face the music ourselves. The trite saying is true: happiness is an inside job. So, grab your popcorn as we take a closer look at why your past might be standing in the way of your emotional freedom.
Cracking Open the Emotional Safe
Ever wonder why you’re like an emotional Fort Knox? Here’s the kicker: no one is born with an “out of order” sign on our heart. Somewhere along the way, life happened. I have made it my life’s work to wade through these muddy waters. No, it wasn’t just the dramatic, movie-worthy capital ‘T’ Traumas that shaped us, but the sneaky little lowercase ‘t’ traumas too. You know, the ones like missing out on the high school prom because you overestimated your dance moves, or getting cut from the no-cut track and field team, or that snarky comment that hit you harder than expected.
If It’s Hysterical, It’s Historical
Ever gotten angry with your loved one and it’s so over the top, both of you are left wondering what kind of steroids you had with your coffee this morning? I mean those situations where you lose your shit over next to nothing. There’s a saying in my field, if it’s hysterical, it’s historical; meaning if the emotions leaking out of your mouth and your ass are waaaaay out of proportion with the situation, you are responding to shit that happened in your past. That’s right, your anger, right here, right now, is more about something in your past that what’s actually going on in the present. So you gotta be willing to take a peek behind the conscious curtain and consider what’s happening in your subconscious if you want to heal your shit and have happier relationships.
The Crucial Act of Naming
Here’s a megaphone of truth: the first step to taming the beast within is simply naming it; put the right emotion word on what you are feeling. Think of it as declaring emotional bankruptcy to give you a fresh start. Imagine you’re unpacking those boxes in the attic and finally deciding to throw away that ceramic cat Aunt May gifted you. You’re not just labeling emotions; you’re acknowledging them and taking back control. You’re saying, “I’ve walked this road. Now, let’s choose a new direction.” You have to feel it, label it, accept it, then let it go. The simple act of naming what you feel actually turns down the volume on that painful sh*t.
Navigating the Wild Jungle of Self-Discovery
You’ve gotten better at naming the painful emotions, but now what? Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Ditch any romantic notion of a gentle therapeutic stroll—it’s jungle warfare out there. Therapy becomes your machete to hack through personal jungles and head up river like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now. Don’t expect a neatly paved path; expect a wild adventure with Joree and me acting as your personal Carl Jung, piecing together the past and the present with breadcrumbs leading you out of the relational labyrinth you didn’t even realize you were in. As you explore with curiosity and without judgment, you begin to understand your own messed up patterns of behavior and start to let those bastards go! Then you replace them with healthier patterns that support your happiness and success! What a concept!
Redefining Emotional Narratives
This is about more than acknowledging and reframing the past to make you the hero of your own story (although that’s good too!). It’s about crafting the present. The narrative of self-worth, and courage, and emotional management, and confidence, is sizzling hot. Why let ancient disappointments dictate today’s mood? That’s like rhyming words with orange—pointless (unless you’re Eminem)! Instead, take some sterling advice from fearless therapists who remind you that your history is a mere chapter—exciting, sure, but just a sliver of the narrative. Let’s be real, your transformation is the front-page news. Turn the page and let’s keep moving forward.
The Bold New Frontier of Authenticity & Emotional Acceptance
So what does freedom from your past look like? Try picturing an unfiltered version of yourself who carries zero judgment about their feelings. That means no shame in shedding those emotional porcupine quills you’ve built up. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you might even buy that e-bike you’ve been eyeing. Because when you’re authentically you, limits evaporate faster than your New Year’s resolutions. It’s the quickest way to get through painful emotions. Oh yeah, and as you get better acquainted with positive emotions — you know pleasant experiences like awe, curiosity, laughter, joy, passion, excitement, love, desire, wonder, and relaxation — you can start to figure out what conditions lead to feeling them more frequently. Then you get to feel more positive emotions more of the time. This is a central step towards more f*cking happiness! Who doesn’t want to be happier? The dead, that’s who. Well, they may already be happy and peaceful, but that’s a debate for another time.
Taking the Leap Toward Self-Acceptance
It’s not smooth, and probably not as scenic as your high school classmates’ Instagram dreams. But imagine the relief, the liberating sensation when you can finally look at the past as a guidebook, not as a script. Don’t worry about slipping up—real wholeness celebrates imperfections. It embraces the quirky, the awkward, the raw, the human.
In the truest sense, embracing your full, uncut self isn’t a solitary journey. We’re all interconnected. We’re all in this together, rediscovering what it means to be gloriously, recklessly, sloppily human. So, here’s to you rewriting your story with a pen full of courage. Start your journey today. If you’d like a swift kick in the butt to help you get moving, email Dr. John today at John AT GuideToSelf.com. Don’t bother emailing if you’re a Russian bot farm looking to transfer me $18.5 million dollars from my dead uncle. My uncle didn’t have that kind of money.
If you’d like to listen to the full episode on Love Isn’t Enough podcast, in which we discuss the hit Netflix show Adolescence and the issues above, click here.
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