By Dr. John Schinnerer & Joree Rose | LoveIsntEnough.net
When it comes to relationships, one of the most common complaints couples share is: “My partner doesn’t really hear me.” In this article, we’re pulling back the curtain on our own relationship to help you better understand what’s really going on when communication breaks down—and how to repair it.
The Common Pitfalls
In the early stages of our relationship, we (John and Joree) struggled with expressing and receiving emotional needs. John found it hard to articulate what he needed. And when he finally did, he often felt met with defensiveness. For Joree, the hardest part was expressing when her feelings were hurt. She feared it would trigger John’s withdrawal, which then spiraled into an anxious-avoidant pattern: she would chase, and he would retreat.
Sound familiar?
That cycle is exhausting, and it tends to deepen feelings of abandonment and rejection on both sides. For Joree, expressing hurt meant risking disconnection. For John, hearing her hurt triggered shame and emotional overwhelm—something he had carried since childhood.
Recognizing the Pattern
The first step to change? Awareness.
Once we could name the cycle we were in, we could begin to see it more clearly—first after the fact, then eventually in the moment. That recognition was powerful. It gave us the opportunity to respond differently.
We both had to dig deep. John worked through inner child healing, using Internal Family Systems (IFS) work and tools from Dick Schwartz’s No Bad Parts. He learned to comfort and calm the part of him that had long felt unworthy of love. Joree had to face her long-standing fear of abandonment, shaped by significant childhood losses and trauma.
Together, we committed to doing both individual healing and relational repair.
Emotional Flooding and Shame
Emotional flooding is a physiological state where your nervous system shifts into fight, flight, or freeze mode. For John, that meant shutting down—a protective mechanism to avoid saying something harmful in anger. Ironically, that silence felt like abandonment to Joree.
Often, behind the shutdown was shame. Shame whispered, “You’re not good enough,” or “She’d be better off without you.” Those thoughts weren’t true, but they felt real in the moment.
The antidote? Learning to recognize those shame narratives and speak back to them with compassion.
Learning to Listen Non-Defensively
One massive shift came when John began practicing non-defensive listening. It sounds simple but requires enormous emotional regulation. Instead of reacting to Joree’s hurt with excuses or shutdown, he began to stay open, present, and curious.
And Joree learned to trust that she could express herself without fearing disconnection. When John said, “I give you permission to be angry with me,” it created a powerful space for emotional honesty.
Emotions Don’t Make You “Too Much” or “Not Enough”
One of our biggest insights is this: Having emotions doesn’t make you unworthy.
John often felt like his emotional responses meant he was “not enough.” Joree, on the other hand, worried her emotions made her “too much.” This false dichotomy kept us both from showing up fully. Once we could dismantle that belief, communication got a lot easier.
The Takeaway
If you want to be heard in your relationship, you have to do two things:
1. Learn to express your feelings without blame.
2. Learn to listen without getting defensive.
It requires practice. It requires self-awareness. And it requires mutual care.
At the end of the day, love isn’t enough. You need the tools to navigate the messy, beautiful, frustrating, and deeply human terrain of long-term partnership.
Let this be your invitation to begin. Let’s evolve. Together.
—
John Schinnerer, PhD, and Joree Rose, LMFT, are top couples therapists in the San Francisco Bay Area and co-hosts of the Love Isn’t Enough podcast.
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