By Dr. John Schinnerer and Joree Rose, LMFT | LoveIsntEnough.net | TheEvolvedCaveman.com | GuideToSelf.com | JoreeRose.com | MindfulnessAndTherapyCenter.com
In Part 1, we explored how guilt and boundaries fuel people pleasing. In Part 2, we unpacked the deeper emotional drivers: conflict avoidance, fear of loneliness, and resentment.
Now, we arrive at the heart of the matter—your needs.
People pleasing is not just about making others happy. It’s often a sign that you’ve lost touch with your own desires, your own truth, and your own worth.
It’s hard to set boundaries when you don’t even know what you want. It’s hard to stop saying yes when you don’t feel like your no matters.
So let’s talk about the root of it all.
6. I Don’t Know What I Need
Many people pleasers have been so focused on attuning to others that they’ve disconnected from themselves. They’ve spent years being the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the helper. And in the process, they’ve never really been asked:
“What do you need?”
Or worse, they were asked—and then punished for the answer.
So they learned to:
Suppress their preferences
Downplay their pain
Hide their hunger for more
But here’s the thing: Your needs aren’t the problem. Forgetting them is.
Reconnecting With Yourself
Reclaiming your needs isn’t selfish—it’s essential. It’s how you begin to build relationships that are reciprocal, fulfilling, and real.
And it starts small.
Try asking yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What do I want in this moment?
What’s not working for me—and have I said that out loud?
The more you practice tuning in, the more your voice returns. You start to hear the quiet whispers beneath the guilt, beneath the fear:
“I want rest.”
“I need help.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“I want more.”
That’s not selfish. That’s self-trust.
Needs Aren’t Negotiable
You can’t bypass your needs without consequences. When you consistently neglect yourself, it doesn’t make you more loving. It makes you tired, bitter, and resentful.
Taking your needs seriously isn’t about becoming demanding. It’s about becoming honest.
And when you become honest with yourself, you can become honest with others. That’s the beginning of authentic connection—the kind that doesn’t require you to perform or pretend.
People Pleasing Is a Trauma Response, Not a Personality Trait
If any of this feels familiar, know this: you’re not broken—you’re patterned.
People pleasing is often a trauma response, a learned survival strategy from earlier in life. It helped you feel safe, accepted, or needed. But it’s not your only way of being.
You can unlearn it.
You can reclaim your voice.
You can learn to take up space in your own life.
The Way Forward
Here’s what healing from people pleasing might start to look like:
Saying “no” without over-explaining
Letting someone be disappointed without fixing it
Asking for something even if it feels awkward
Choosing rest over proving your worth
Telling the truth even if your voice shakes
This isn’t about becoming selfish or cold. It’s about becoming whole.
Because when you stop abandoning yourself for connection, you open the door to relationships where no one has to disappear—not even you.
Thanks for journeying with us through this series. If this resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear: You matter, too.
And if you’re ready to go deeper, let’s talk.Let’s evolve. Together.
Wanna Go Deeper Down the Happiness Rabbit Hole? Here’s Where to Find Out More:
👔 For Dr. John’s work helping execs and high performers stop silently imploding:
😡 For info on Dr. John’s Ultimate Online Anger Management Course (which has over 20,000 graduates!), visit his High Performer Shop at https://guide-to-self.mykajabi.com/store.
💔 Curious about the couples counseling magic John’s doing with the amazing Joree Rose, LMFT
(*Spoiler: Love isn’t enough, but skills, self-awareness, and maybe a glass of wine are.*)
🎙️ For all things caveman evolution, podcast-style:
💃 For Joree’s powerhouse work helping women ditch burnout, find joy, and stop dating emotionally unavailable man-children:
📸 For more info on the superb counseling Joree is doing with women who are stuck in their lives, visit her site at MindfulnessAndTherapyCenter.com
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