Use Attachment Theory To Make Your Boyfriend/Husband Feel Safe Enough To Explore The Possibility
You Want to Feel Closer. He Just Wants to Avoid a Fight.
If you’ve brought up couples therapy to your husband and it was met with silence, sarcasm, or outright resistance, you’re not alone. Many women long for deeper emotional connection, only to feel shut out when they try to fix what’s not working.
It’s painful. It’s confusing. And it often triggers a cycle where one partner pushes for connection, while the other pulls away—classic insecure attachment dynamics at play.
But there is a better way.
By understanding your attachment needs (and his), and speaking in a way that calms rather than threatens, you can open the door to a different kind of conversation—one that leads to healing instead of more hurt.
Why He Might Be Resistant (It’s Not Just About Therapy)
According to Julie Menanno, author of a tremendous book on attachment styles, Secure Love, most couples don’t resist therapy because they don’t care. They resist because they feel overwhelmed, judged, inadequate, or afraid. Especially men who lean avoidant in their attachment style—those who grew up learning that vulnerability equals weakness—may feel emotionally unsafe the moment the word “therapy” is mentioned.
“People with avoidant attachment aren’t avoiding you—they’re avoiding the shame and fear of not being enough,” Menanno explains.
If your husband is hesitant about therapy, it could be because:
He fears being blamed or ganged up on
He believes therapy is only for “broken” couples
He doesn’t have the tools to name what he’s feeling
He grew up in a home where emotions were shut down
He is afraid of not knowing (therapy is largely about communication, emotions, and the inner world of the mind – areas men are not typically well versed in)
None of these mean he doesn’t want to make things better. But it does mean you’ll need to approach the topic in a way that feels safe for him.
Step 1: Regulate Before You Initiate
Start by checking in with your own nervous system. Are you calm, grounded, and connected to your softer emotions? Or are you bringing in energy that’s anxious, angry, or already expecting rejection?
Before initiating the conversation, pause and ask yourself:
Am I trying to control or connect?
Connection invites. Control demands.
The tone you bring will shape how he hears everything that follows.
Step 2: Speak From Vulnerability, Not Criticism
Instead of leading with complaints (“You never listen,” “We’re always fighting,” or “You shut down whenever I bring this up”), speak from your attachment needs.
Try using language like:
“I love you and I miss feeling close to you.”
“I feel so alone when we can’t talk about things that matter to me.”
“I know we both want to be okay, and I think we could use some support getting there.”
This kind of language isn’t manipulative—it’s connective. You’re not accusing him of failing. You’re letting him in on how much he matters.
Step 3: Invite, Don’t Demand
Instead of saying, “We need therapy,” try:
“Would you be open to talking to someone together? I think it could help us understand each other better.”
“I don’t want us to drift further apart. Therapy could be a safe place for us to learn how to feel more secure with each other.”
“I’m not trying to fix you—I want us both to feel seen and understood. Would you be willing to give it a try with me?”
Here are some more detailed scripts to help you begin the conversation:
1. If He Is Resistant To Therapy In General:
Couples therapy is not a comfortable domain for most men. We aren’t socialized to talk about relationships, feelings, and our internal landscape. It is understandably anxiety-provoking for men. To calm his worries, say something like, “I totally get your hesitation about therapy. Of course you don’t want to feel ganged up on or leave feeling worse. At the same time, what we’re doing now just isn’t working—I’m feeling really shut out and alone, and that’s hard.”
2. If He Fears Getting Triggered:
One man I spoke to years ago told me, he fears going to therapy because it’s like scratching a scab that will bleed and never stop. Some men fear being engulfed by their emotions if they start to examine them. To allay this fear say something like, “I hear you—therapy can feel risky, and I agree it has the potential to stir things up. But honestly, I already feel stirred up. I’m sad, lonely, and frustrated more than I’d like to admit. And I believe not getting help is just as risky… maybe even more so.”
3. If He Is Concerned About The Cost:
“You’re right—it is a sacrifice of time and money, and I know you’re trying to protect us from more stress. I really appreciate that cautious, protective part of you—it helps me feel safe in so many ways. But right now, I don’t feel safe, because I’m scared about where we’re headed. I’m protective of us, too—and that’s why I think we need some new tools.”
4. If Therapy Is A Requirement For You To Stay In This Relationship:
“I’m not okay with how things are going. I want us to get help. And if you’re not open to that, I’m not sure I can keep doing this. It’s too painful to keep fighting and feeling so disconnected. This isn’t how I want our relationship to feel—or how I want to feel in it. I want a relationship where I feel safe and secure.”
If he still resists, try asking what worries him most about it. Listen with curiosity, not defensiveness or annoyance. The goal isn’t to convince him right now—it’s to plant a seed of safety and hope. For most of us, it takes some time to wrap our minds around something like couples counseling.
Step 4: Normalize It (Especially for Men)
Therapy is often misperceived as weakness, particularly for men conditioned by messages like “Real men handle their problems alone.”
Help reframe therapy as strength:
“It’s like going to the gym, but for our relationship.”
“The strongest couples I know are the ones willing to learn new tools.”
“I read that couples wait six years after problems start before getting support—I don’t want to wait that long.”
Step 5: Start Small (Even If It’s Just One Session)
Sometimes men are more open to “trying it once” than committing to a whole process. Make the ask less intimidating:
“Can we try just one session and see how it feels?”
“Would you be willing to meet someone with me, even if it’s just to hear me better?”
If the word “therapy” is too loaded, reframe it as “relationship coaching” or “a guide who helps us learn to work as a team.”
Final Thought: This Isn’t About Forcing Him. It’s About Reaching Him.
Attachment theory teaches us that every protest—every argument, every silence, every retreat—is a bid for safety. When you lead with connection, not correction, you’re far more likely to open his heart.
And if you’re both open to learning new patterns, the reward is not just a “better marriage”—it’s a more secure bond in which you both feel safe, seen, and secure.
Call to Action:
Ready to reconnect?
If you’re tired of fighting or feeling alone in your relationship, couples therapy (or relationship coaching!) could be the bridge back to each other. Contact me, Dr. John Schinnerer (John AT GuideToSelf.com) or my partner, Joree Rose, LMFT (Joree AT comcast.net) to find out more about the dynamic, revolutionary work we’re doing in which I see the man and Joree sees the woman for individual work. Then, all four of us come together for the couples coaching. In this way, both partners feel supported, seen and heard. No one feels ganged up on. Everyone feels like they have someone in their corner. What’s more, it’s often invaluable to hear a male therapist speak to the woman’s father wounds and a female therapist speak to the man’s mother wounds. It is significantly more powerful and healing. What’s more, in our combined 50 years of counseling experience, we find that it’s not enough to merely do couples work, as many of the issues causing problems in couples are wounds that preceded the relationship. For instance, attachment wounds that go back to early childhood, and wounds from prior romantic relationships that are showing up in your current relationship (often without your awareness). What is needed is simultaneous individual AND relational work to create true, deep, lasting healing and create the relationship you both truly deserve.
Don’t wait until things break. Reach out, speak gently, and lead with love. Because love isn’t enough—but love, plus secure connection, is.
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