by Dr. John Schinnerer | July 23, 2025
Avoidance.
That sneaky little gremlin that convinces you that cleaning out the junk drawer is definitely more urgent than facing your emotions, having that long-overdue talk with your partner, or—heaven forbid—doing a little soul-searching.
Today we’re diving into the real reasons why we sidestep the hard stuff. Spoiler alert: it’s not because you’re lazy or weak. It’s because your brain is trying to protect you. Unfortunately, it often backfires, leaving your relationships shaky, your inner peace shot, and your emotional life about as nourishing as a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.
Let’s unpack the psychology of avoidance—and how to stop letting it quietly sabotage your happiness and your connection.
Why We Avoid Hard Shit
1. Your Brain Prioritizes Safety Over Truth
Your brain’s top job isn’t happiness, insight, or becoming a self-actualized badass—it’s keeping you alive.
Discomfort—especially emotional discomfort—gets interpreted as danger.
So when you feel shame, guilt, fear, or vulnerability, your nervous system reacts like you’re being chased by a saber-toothed tiger.
Enter: avoidance.
Your brain’s way of saying, “Nope. Not today. Let’s scroll TikTok instead.”
2. Emotional Pain Hurts Like Physical Pain
Fun fact: the same brain regions light up when you experience emotional pain (like rejection or shame) and when you stub your toe.
That’s why it feels like a gut punch when your partner says, “We need to talk.”
Avoidance becomes your go-to painkiller—temporarily numbing the hurt with work, screens, food, or fake positivity.
But here’s the problem: that pain doesn’t go away. It festers. It remains. Until you deal with it.
3. Avoidance Masquerades as Control
When you avoid the tough stuff, it can feel like you’re in control:
“I don’t need to talk about that.”
“I’ve got it under control.”
“I’m just not ready.”
In reality? You’re handing the steering wheel over to fear and turning the stereo up full blast.
Avoidance is not control. It’s emotional autopilot—with a blindfold.
4. Culture Rewards Emotional Numbness
From “man up” to “just think positive,” we’re fed a steady diet of emotional repression.
We’re taught that vulnerability is weakness, and self-reflection is self-indulgent.
So we armor up, smile on the outside, and disconnect on the inside—and then wonder why our relationships feel hollow and we can’t escape that uneasy feeling that something just ain’t right.
How Avoidance Secretly Controls Us (And Makes Us Miserable)
1. What You Resist, Persists—And Festers
Unfelt emotions don’t disappear. They stew.
They morph into anxiety, depression, insomnia, rage, addiction, or the urge to argue over dishwasher etiquette.
Avoidance is emotional debt.
And the interest? Compounds.
You can pay now—or pay way more later.
2. Avoidance Shrinks Your Life
Every avoided emotion, every avoided conversation, tightens the walls around you.
Soon, your world is smaller: fewer risks, less intimacy, fewer meaningful experiences.
You become a master at dodging pain—and a stranger to joy and relaxation.
3. It Creates False Selves and Fragile Relationships
If you avoid the messier parts of yourself, no one ever gets to see the real you.
And if you’re not fully seen, you can’t be fully loved—you’re just playing a role, hoping no one notices.
Avoidance builds relationships on eggshells, not trust.
4. It Delays the Healing You Desperately Need
The truth is this: the only way out is through.
That grief you keep shoving down? That anger you’re swallowing? That resentment you’re pretending is fine?
They’re lodged in your nervous system like emotional shrapnel.
And they won’t go away until you face them.
Avoidance isn’t protection—it’s emotional procrastination.
The Paradox of Healing:
Facing the hard stuff doesn’t destroy you—it frees you.
Emotions are like tunnels—they have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
But if you refuse to walk through, you stay stuck in the emotional swamp.
Avoidance whispers, “This will hurt too much. I can’t take it”
Healing replies, “It hurts because I’m not facing it. This is uncomfortable AND I can handle it.”
Yes, it’s hard. But staying stuck is harder.
Avoidance may feel like safety, but it’s really a prison.
And the door? It’s not locked. It just takes courage to push it open.
Want Help Walking Through That Tunnel?
If you’re tired of running, hiding, or numbing…
If you want to feel more—more connected, more grounded, more alive—
We’re here to help.
Email Joree Rose, LMFT or myself at Info@LoveIsntEnough.net for couples coaching.
Or contact me directly at john@GuideToSelf.com for individual coaching.
Ready To Discover More Happiness And Ease?
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