Somewhere along the way, your epic love story turned into…a shared calendar app. You and your partner now function like highly efficient co-CEOs of Household, Inc.—dividing chores, paying bills, and bickering about who left the dryer lint filter full.
If your relationship feels more like a roommate agreement than a romance, you’re not alone. Life—work, kids, aging parents, stress—has a nasty habit of quietly sucking the passion out of even the best partnerships. But here’s the good news: intimacy isn’t dead, it’s just buried under laundry and Amazon packages.
Here’s how to dig it out and bring the spark back.
1. Admit You’re in Roommate Mode
Awareness is the first step. If the only touch in the last week was a passing shoulder bump in the hallway, you might be in trouble. Most couples slip into logistics-only mode without realizing it. Name it. Laugh about it. Decide you’re not okay with it.
2. Prioritize Micro-Moments of Connection
Grand gestures are great, but daily micro-moments are the glue that rebuilds intimacy:
A six-second kiss (Gottman-approved, by the way)
A genuine “How was your day?” without scrolling your phone
Holding hands while going on a walk
Staring into each other’s eyes for 30 seconds before going to sleep
Small, consistent acts of connection remind your nervous system that this person isn’t just your roommate—they’re your partner.
3. Date Nights Are Mandatory, Not Optional
If you wouldn’t miss a work meeting, don’t miss your relationship meetings. Date nights don’t have to be expensive or Instagram-worthy. They just have to be intentional:
Turn off the TV.
Put away the phones.
Play cards.
Ask your partner a question that isn’t transactional (e.g., kids’ schedules, groceries or bills).
Pro tip: Novelty spikes dopamine. Swap your usual dinner-and-a-movie for something different—like axe throwing, salsa dancing, or cooking a new cuisine together.
4. Touch Without an Agenda
Intimacy often withers when touch becomes purely functional—or strictly sexual. Bring back non-sexual touch:
A back rub while watching TV
A hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds
Falling asleep spooning (or at least touching toes)
A gratitude massage (i.e., where you massage one another while saying as many things as you can think of, about them, for which you are grateful)
When your body remembers safety and connection, desire tends to follow.
5. Flirt Like You’re Dating Again
Remember when you used to send each other playful texts or sneak kisses in the kitchen? That energy doesn’t have to disappear. Flirting is free and ridiculously effective:
Text them “thinking of you” for no reason
Whisper something sexy (or silly) in their ear
Give a compliment that’s about who they are, not just what they do
Give them a hug from behind while they are cooking
Buy flowers for them for no particular reason other than you like them
6. Have a Real Conversation (AKA Get Curious Again)
Long-term couples often assume they already know everything about their partner. Spoiler: you don’t. People evolve. Ask open-ended questions:
“What’s one thing you want more of in our relationship?”
“If money and time weren’t an issue, what would you do this year?”
“What’s a fantasy you’ve never shared with me?”
“How could I make you feel more loved?”
“How could we communicate more effectively?”
“What’s something you’ve done that you are most proud of from your past?”
Re-learning each other is intimacy rocket fuel.
7. Plan Something Sexy—On Purpose
Yes, I said plan sex. I know, it sounds unromantic, but here’s the secret: anticipation is foreplay. Set a time. Build excitement with teasing texts or hints throughout the day. By the time the calendar reminder hits, your brains will already be in “we’re lovers, not just roommates” mode.
Pro tip: There is a difference between spontaneous arousal and responsive arousal. Spontaneous arousal is what we normally think of with sex – it’s spontaneous, passionate, happens in the moment and unplanned. However, responsive arousal is just as good. It’s what occurs when you schedule sex, lay in bed, gently, absent-mindedly touch one another, kiss, and snuggle. Your body will respond just as much either way.
8. Protect Your Relationship From Life Creep
Kids, jobs, social media, stress—they’ll take every ounce of energy, time and attention, if you let them. Protect your partnership like it’s your most valuable asset. Because it is. Set boundaries for work and tech, and make your relationship non-negotiable.
The Bottom Line
Moving from roommates back to romance is about intentionality. Passion doesn’t magically reappear—it’s built in tiny, daily choices that say:
“I see you. I choose you. You matter to me.”
Do that often enough, and your relationship can shift from Netflix zombies to “Can’t wait to get my hands on you” again.
If you want more tools to rebuild intimacy and connection, check out our top-rated podcasts:
The Evolved Caveman Podcast with Dr. John Schinnerer at https://theevolvedcaveman.com
Love Isn’t Enough Podcast with both Dr. John and Joree Rose, LMFT at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-isnt-enough/id1774236475.
Journey Forward with Joree Rose at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/journey-forward-with-joree-rose/id1454834765.
Want More Intimacy and Connection? Here’s Where To Begin:
😡 For info on Dr. John’s Ultimate Online Anger Management Class (which has over 20,000 graduates!), visit his High Performer Shop
🧠 Top tools for emotional mastery and high performance from the man awarded best executive coach in the SF Bay Area:
👉 For the tremendous work Dr. John & Joree are doing in couples counseling, visit their top couples counseling site:
🌱 Joree’s expert work on mindfulness, therapy & transformation (aka, the best therapist for women near you):
📸 For more info on the superb counseling Joree is doing with women who don’t want the next 20 years to be like the last 20, visit her site at
👉 MindfulnessAndTherapyCenter.com
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