Let’s be honest—most of us suck at setting boundaries. We say “yes” when we mean “hell no,” all in the name of being liked, loved, or, at the very least, not yelled at. Classic people-pleasing. And while it might keep things “nice” on the surface, it’s wrecking your relationships under the covers—literally.
People-pleasing in the bedroom is a one-way ticket to resentment, disconnection, and robotic, performative sex that feels more like paying a toll than making love.
The stats?
Nearly half of Americans identify as people-pleasers. Women: 52%. Men: 44% (but let’s be honest, that number’s probably higher—many just won’t admit it). The result? Relationships running on emotional fumes and sex that feels more like a chore than a connection.
How People-Pleasing Screws Up Your Sex Life:
1. Saying “yes” when your body screams “no”
If you’re saying yes to sex that feels wrong or forced, you’re betraying yourself. That self-betrayal chips away at trust—both with yourself and your partner.
2. Performing instead of experiencing
If you’re in bed mentally checking your to-do list while going through the motions—yikes. That’s not intimacy. That’s acting. And your partner can feel it, even if they can’t name it.
3. Hiding your desires like a dirty secret
If you’re afraid to speak up because you might seem “too much” or “too needy”… guess what? You’re denying yourself real pleasure—and denying your partner the chance to truly connect.
4. Resentment: The silent relationship killer
You smile, nod, and go along with it. Meanwhile, resentment builds like a volcano under the surface. When it finally erupts, it’s not pretty—and often, it’s too late.
5. Disconnecting from your authentic self
Authentic sex requires vulnerability. People-pleasers were trained to hide their real selves for safety or acceptance. But you can’t truly connect if you’re not showing up as *you*.
And here’s a plot twist from a 2022 study:
Women who perceived their partners’ masculinity as fragile were more likely to fake orgasms, communicate less honestly, and feel more anxious. That’s what happens when we prioritize ego over authenticity.
So, How Do You *Stop* People-Pleasing in the Bedroom?
Here’s the 5-step exit strategy from the People-Pleaser’s Playbook:
1. Trace it back to the source
Most people-pleasing began in childhood when love and safety felt conditional. It’s an old survival strategy—and it’s running your adult relationships on autopilot.
2. Get good at saying “no”
No is a complete sentence. Start small. Practice in low-stakes situations. Then work up to saying “Not tonight” without guilt, fear, or a five-paragraph explanation.
3. Flip the script on validation
Instead of checking your partner’s face for approval, ask yourself: *What do I want right now?* Then honor that. This is emotional adulthood. Welcome.
4. Have the uncomfortable conversations
Yes, talking about sex and needs can feel awkward—do it anyway. Real intimacy starts where performance ends. I used to blush just saying “penis.” You’ll survive.
5. Separate your worth from your usefulness
You are not lovable *because* you meet everyone’s needs. You are lovable *as you are*. Try offering yourself the same compassion you give others—and watch what shifts.
Want to go deeper? Of course you do.
Check out the episode “The People Pleaser’s Plight: How To Stop Feeling Too Guilty” on *The Evolved Caveman Podcast* with me and my partner-in-love-and-therapy, Joree Rose, LMFT. It’s packed with practical tools and breaks down the 6 key areas you need to work on to stop people-pleasing and start living (and loving) like a damn adult:
– Weak boundaries
– Excessive guilt
– Fear of conflict
– Fear of loneliness
– Accumulated anger/resentment
– Not knowing what your own needs are
Want better sex? Start with a better relationship with *yourself.*
And while you’re at it, check out our new Relationship Master Class, where Joree and I tackle real-world topics every month—like fighting fair, emotional safety, communication, anger, appreciation, and yes, how to have mind-blowing sex. It’s the best relationship training you never got in school.
👉 [LoveIsntEnough.net](https://LoveIsntEnough.net) — because love isn’t enough… but skill, self-awareness, and maybe a little lube? That’s a solid start.
Recent Comments